Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
We rented a beach house for a week and invited our neighbors, ”Glen and Gina,” across the way to spend a day or two with us since they mentioned they didn’t have the funds for a vacation this year. Our two kids and their three kids are around the same age. They get along and have had sleepovers before. It was fine the first day, but on the second, Gina and I took the kids down to the water and there was an ice cream truck.
I didn’t have my wallet on me, so I asked Gina if she minded including my kids in getting ice cream. Gina gave me a dirty look but did it anyway. After they left, Glen sent my wife a request through a cash app to pay them back for the cost of the ice cream. We were both taken aback but sent the money. When we got back, Glen and Gina acted like nothing ever happened. My wife tells me to let it go, but the pettiness sticks in my craw.
We wined and dined them and let them use the beach toys we got our kids so they could have fun in the sun—and they can’t pay for a pair of ice cream cones. Frankly, I think this is the point where we stop being so friendly and pull our relationship back—especially since school is starting and all our kids are in different classes. Any thoughts?
—Principle of the Matter
Dear Principle of the Matter,
Even if funds are extremely tight, it seems as though Glen and Gina could’ve popped for an ice cream cone for your kids. In fact, it would have been nicer had they offered to treat your kids ahead of time. But, they didn’t. I’m guessing their lack of generosity and transparency that’s sticking in your craw, not the ice cream.
There are a lot of ways to be generous even if you don’t have much money to work with. They could’ve baked brownies, cookies, or a cake and brought it as a thank you. They could’ve bought an inexpensive bottle of wine or some 2-liter bottles of sodas. Or, they could have arrived with a small bunch of flowers and a lovely thank you note, perhaps inviting you to join them for dinner later in the year. Any of these would have been inexpensive but gracious gifts designed to make you feel good about inviting them to join you.
So, you’ve learned something about this family. They’re not only tight with money, but with gratitude. As for spending time with them going forward, that’s for you and your wife to decide. I’d probably back away slowly and find other families more generous in spirit.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m (29 F) doing financially well enough. I have a well-paying job where I make under $100,000, don’t have much debt (other than some college loans), and stay below my means. But I’ve recently started dating a new guy. He’s in consulting and makes a lot of money compared to me. He works crazy hours and spends his money similarly. He isn’t afraid of lavish dinners, big European vacations, concerts all of the time, etc. At first, it felt kind of like a whirlwind. I was being wined and dined like I had never had before, it was great. But as we settle more into our relationship, I’m starting to realize just how big that gulf between how we spend our money is. He still pays now and then—but I like to treat him, too! I just can’t keep up with his lifestyle and the one his close circle seems to have. It feels like I’m always being invited to some expensive event or another. We haven’t really talked finances much but I’m getting antsy. How can I make this work without getting into credit card debt trying to keep up with the Joneses?
—Three Dollar Signs
Dear Three Dollar Signs,
Stop digging. That’s what smart people do when they find themselves in a hole. Next, sit down with your guy and have a real conversation about money. Discuss your income disparity (which doesn’t seem to bother you as much) and the way he and his friends spend money (which does). Talk about how you grew up, how your parents handled money, and how your financial values developed. Be honest about how much you’re able to spend, and why saving money and not drumming up credit card debt are priorities for you. Share how uncomfortable you feel because you can’t repay in kind.
Then, listen. How does he respond to you? What are his financial expectations of your relationship? What does he say about his financial values (and what doesn’t he say)? How does he see his financial future? Maybe he’s saving as much as he’s spending, but doesn’t talk about it. Or, maybe he’ll inherit millions of dollars one day (or has already), leaving him feeling free to spend right now.
Or, maybe, just maybe, he’s gotten caught up in the fast lane with a bunch of wealthy, high-earning friends and also doesn’t know how to say no. You won’t know the answer to your questions, which at the end of the day are about long-term compatibility, until you share and ask.
Meanwhile, you don’t have to keep up with his fancy friends, the Joneses, or anyone you see on Instagram or TikTok. If you can’t afford to buy fancy clothes for every event you’re invited to, then rewear what you have, look into renting clothing, or shop designer resale shops. If you can’t afford to take your honey on an all-expenses paid trip to Europe, offer to make a nice dinner at night to say thank you for whatever trip you were gifted. As I told “Principle of the Matter,” generosity of spirit is a more important and more telling metric about someone’s financial soul. In my mind, it’s a key component when evaluating whether a partner has staying power.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
Please help me (27 M) settle a debate with my fiancée. We’re both from the same hometown but now live away from our families and we fly back to visit several times throughout the year. For holidays, birthdays, random summer trips, etc. When we get to our towns, though we currently live together, we split up and go to our respective family homes that are about a 20-minute drive apart. We still spend time together when we’re there, but we’re getting a little tired of the splitting up game to appease both families. We’d just like to stay together! So we’re trying to find a solution.
Here’s what I think we should do: We should go our separate ways for smaller trips, and for longer stays like the holidays we should rent an Airbnb for the time we’re there. It might cost more, but it’ll be fair in the eyes of both of our families. My fiancée hates this idea. In my house, I typically bunk in my younger sibling’s room, but at hers, she still has her own room and bathroom, and her parents, to be fair, keep the room comfortable and basically just as she left it. She thinks we should just be able to stay at her place and save money since we’re already spending throughout the year to visit. I’d love to do that in theory but I know it would make my mom pretty upset and she’d make passive -aggressive comments about it. We both come from families that are pretty hellbent on “fairness.” She knows this! But obviously, her parents would love this setup. Is there some middle ground we’re not seeing? How do people do this?
—Figuring it out
Dear Figuring It Out,
You’re getting married. Congratulations. It’s time to grow up.
When you get married or form a long-term partnership, a new nuclear family is created. And, that becomes your top priority. You begin to make choices and decisions that benefit your nuclear family first, and everyone else second. Splitting up the minute you get to town was fine when you were dating, but look ahead. What happens when you’re actually married? What if you start having kids? Will your wife and the baby stay with her parents while you bunk with your sibling? What happens if you have twins? Your rightful place is by her side.
But within your nuclear family, you still have to decide what are your most important priorities. In this case, is the top priority being together, saving money, or being fair to both families? It sounds like you can’t have all three at the same time.
If saving money is a top priority, then you should stay at your in-laws (where you’ll have your own bedroom and bathroom) but spend extra time with your family during waking hours so everyone feels valued. If family is more important than money, then either rent an Airbnb halfway between your families or find a way to trade off staying with one family or another (even if you bunk on their living room couch). Maybe you alternate visits or maybe you’ll stay in your own city and your families will visit you. In all cases, being together for most of these trips, if not all, is likely the top priority.
But if being with family continues to be near the top of your list, then perhaps you’ll look into ways of moving back home if you decide to expand your family. At that point, you may be happy to have a few extra pairs of hands around to help out.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
What’s the classiest way to say, “Really and truly, do not bring your kids into my house, no matter how cool or mature they are”? We have this problem where we throw nice grown-up parties and our friends bring kids. We’ve tried to be nice. First, we changed the names to identify the nature of the party—“Fancy Cocktail Hour,” “Wine & Dine,” et cetera. That helped but didn’t fix the problem.
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