MANSFIELD — Shelby Groff did everything she could to prepare for the arrival of her first child.
But 18 months after her son’s arrival, she said there’s no way to fully prepare for the physical, emotional, and mental demands of the transition to parenthood.
“It’s like learning a new job,” said Groff. “But the job is 24/7. You’re always on call.”
Now the parent of a toddler, Groff said the most rewarding part of being a parent is watching her child become a kind, independent person who makes new discoveries every day.
“It’s kind of that reassurance that I am growing a very kind and considerate human being, which is my goal, but also just the experience in general of being able to help cultivate a small piece of the future,” she said.
That being said, Groff’s transition to parenthood wasn’t easy. Her son’s birth was traumatic and involved an unplanned C section. In the early days of her son’s life, she dealt with postpartum depression.
As a licensed professional counselor, Groff has helped parents navigate guilt over returning to work. She’s spoken with clients who are struggling to balance career and family.
Groff said that parental guilt is a common challenge. While it can stem from a parent’s own family trauma, it’s often caused by societal pressures to be the perfect parent.
“It’s this idea of self-sacrifice — my kid has to be before anything else that I do for myself,” she said.
“What I work with people on is trying to find that balance, because even though you do have a kid or multiple kids, you still have to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of other people.
Trust your gut and let go of perfection
When Groff was expecting her first child, her social media algorithm changed. Suddenly, her pages were flooded with parenting influencers and conflicting advice on the best way to raise a child.
Take care of yourself, but prioritize the baby. Nap when the baby naps, but also use that time to cook and clean. Stick to a strict feeding schedule but also make sure you have time to eat.
“There’s constantly these mixed messages of what is the ‘right thing’ to do when you become a parent,” she said.
“There’s a lot of other external noise from other people, from society that make you question whether or not you’re doing the right thing. I think that’s one of the biggest stressors for new parents.”
Kristie Smith, who has been working as a postpartum nurse since 2015, agreed.
“There’s so much information out there online. Sometimes it creates a false narrative and then parents have unrealistic expectations in what they think child-raising should look like,” she said.
“There’s a lot of advice out there and it’s hard to weed out what’s good advice and what’s myths,” she added. “Be very careful where you get your information from. There’s a lot of bloggers out there.”
Groff’s advice for new parents is to do what they need to keep themselves and their baby safe. Beyond that, trust their instincts and let perfectionism go.
“Don’t be afraid to listen to what you think is correct,” she said. “Advocate for yourself, advocate for your child, advocate for your partner and just do the best you can, because that’s all you can do.”
Groff said the thing that helped her most after becoming a parent was accepting her own limitations.
It’s a lesson she learned the hard way after trying to do household chores just a few days after giving birth.
“I ended up paying for it later because the pain was a lot worse,” she said.
When seeking parenting advice, Groff recommends sticking with credible, research-based resources like healthychildren.org.
Setting boundaries and prioritizing your partner
Having a baby changes everything, which is why learning to prioritize your partner before their arrival is key.
“Especially right before the baby comes, it’s being intentional about the time you spend together,” she said.
“If you’re just sitting on the couch both playing on your phones while you’re ‘watching a show together,’ it’s not being intentional — unless that’s what you guys previously discussed, that you both need to tap out for a little bit.”
Communication is also key. Groff recommends checking in with one’s partner regularly and practicing empathy.
“Check in with each other. What level are you at right now? What do you need? How much can you give right now? If we can’t give 100% together, what do we need to do to get everything done together?” she said.
“Be open, communicate what you need, communicate what you’re feeling. Reciprocate by listening. If you don’t have good communication, you’re not listening to each other, the transition is going to be that much harder.”
Groff said it’s also important to decide early what boundaries to set with family and friends. That may mean deciding who gets to hold the baby and when, who can be in the room if the mother is nursing and when loved ones can come and visit.
“Set the expectations of what you want things to be like after your child’s there, because it’s your child and you don’t owe anybody anything — grandparents included,” she said. “You need to do what you think is best for you and your family. Everybody else is just a second thought.
“Do not feel guilty for setting boundaries to protect your peace and your family’s peace. Because if the parents are not at peace, then the child’s not going to be at peace, and then it’s going to be that much harder,” she added.
Find your community and take advantage of resources
In addition to working as a postpartum nurse, Smith also serves as a lactation consultant. She’s been involved with OhioHealth’s breastfeeding support group and teaches baby care classes through Akron Children’s Hospital.
“I don’t think people even realize that we do have parenting classes available in this area sometimes,” she said. “There are so many resources available but I don’t think they’re widely shared.”
Smith said one thing she stresses to expecting parents is to build their community.
“Start when you’re pregnant. Find out what support groups are in your area. Talk to your friends. Talk to your family. Build that village around you to help you with those tough times,” she said.
“Parenting is not for the weak, but it’s also the greatest adventure.”
Asking our readers: What helped you as a new parent?
We asked Richland County residents what resources were helpful for them at the start of their parenting journey. Here’s what they had to say:
Building community
- Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) – A meetup organization for mothers now known as MOMCO.
- Embrace Grace is a faith-based organization that provides support to pregnant single mothers as well as young single moms and dads.
- “We met once a week and it allowed us to relax and catch up with other moms and share our experiences with one another. They provided us with many resources thru Richland Pregnancy Services, had a pampering day at the end and they also had a baby shower for all of use.”
Breastfeeding
- “OhioHealth Mansfield offers a free weekly breastfeeding group! Can get assistance and get baby weighed – doesn’t go through any insurance!”
- “The lactation support group at OhioHealth Mansfield was my lifeline the first few months postpartum! I went once a week and found so much comfort in being surrounded by women in the same stage of life as me, and the nurses were beyond knowledgeable and supportive!”
- “My midwives, a good lactation consultant, and finding community through my church!”
- La Leche League is an international organization that provides assistance and education on breastfeeding.
Early child education and enrichment
Children with developmental disabilities and special needs
- Help Me Grow is a program through the Department of Children & Youth that supports pregenant women, caregivers with new babies and families whose young children have developmental delays or disabilities.
- “My oldest was non-verbal and insurance wouldn’t cover therapy because of his diagnosis. Help Me Grow provided speech therapy at our home. I also have twins currently in the Help Me Grow program. One is getting vision therapy while the other is getting physical therapy. It’s great that they come to our home! I love that there’s another set of eyes on my kids development and that they have so many great ideas to help parents.”
Food/nutrition assistance
- Women, Infants & Children (WIC) is a nutrition education program for pregnant women, women who have a baby less than six months old, breastfeeding mothers and infants and children up to 5 years old. WIC provides individualized nutrition counseling, nutritious foods, help in finding health care, breastfeeding support and education, voter registration and farmer’s market coupons for fresh fruits and vegetables during the summer months. For breastfeeding moms returning to work or school, WIC may assist with obtaining electric breast pumps.
- The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) (formerly known as food stamps) helps eligible low-income Ohioans stretch their food budgets and buy healthy food. Food assistance benefits are distributed electronically through the Ohio Direction Card, which is similar to a debit card.
Pregnancy support and resources
- Richland Pregnancy Services provides pregnancy testing, ultrasounds, parenting classes and other forms of support.
- “I became a mom at 19 and the Richland Pregnancy Center was a godsend. WIC and Help Me Grow are also amazing. I still use them with my newest baby as well.”
- “The parenting classes at Richland Pregnancy Services and the Main library’s parenting books were a wealth of knowledge for me.”
- Heartbeat of Morrow County provides free confidential pregnancy tests, parenting classes, supplies, prenatal peer counseling and additional resources.
- Head Start and Early Head Start provides free preschool and early education for income children ages birth to five years old and their families.
- “They have a home visiting program for expecting parents and home visiting or center based program for 6 weeks to 3 year olds.”
Additional resources
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